“How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie is the beginning of a more improved version of yourself.
What do people want?
The University of Chicago and the United Y.M.C.A. Schools conducted a survey to determine what adults want to learn more of.
The survey lasted two years.
Every participant had to answer 156 questions.
The results were as follows:
Health is the first most important thing people are interested in.
The second most important thing is how to
- understand and get along with people
- make people like you
- win others to your way of thinking.
We cannot change people’s characters.
Nor we can control the way people behave around us.
In order to get people to like us, we need to improve ourselves first.
“Do we need people to like us?”
Even the most self-confident person needs other people to get what he needs.
If you feel you have nothing more to learn, this book is not for you!
How to use “make friends and influence people”
You find the reading instructions in the preface.
They help you understand how to get the most out of the book.
You develop your own method.
However, for improved and rapid results, Dale Carnegie gives us the following pointers:
- Read the book in one sitting so you get accustomed to the principles.
- Now, go back and read chapter after chapter.
- When one chapter is finished, test the principle.
- You might be tempted to move on to the next.
- This will not help you change the way you’ve been doing things.
- Take your time! Don’t rush it!
As Chris Voss, former FBI agent points out in “Never Split the Difference”: building a neurological pathway takes repetition. After only 62 repeats, you’ve got it.
Remember:
The goal is an improved “you”.
Structure:
Making friends is the end goal.
Influencing people is a process.
The book is made up of four sections, one building on top of the other.
- Fundamental techniques in handling people;
- Six ways to make people like you;
- How to wind friends to your way of thinking
- Be a leader – how to change people without giving offense and arouse resentment
Fundamental techniques in handling people
Never criticize, condemn or complain
“God himself, sir, does not propose to judge a man until the end of days”. Dr. Johnson. “Why should you or I?”
Nobody likes to be criticized. The moment you do, you will meet only resistance.
The other person will go in a defensive mode and you’ll achieve the opposite of your intention.
Give honest and sincere appreciation
Even the most proficient of people like a reminder of their quality work. Everybody loves true ad honest appreciation.
Don’t confuse flattery with appreciation. Flattery is cheap and sounds false.
“Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise!”
Arouse in the other person an eager want
When you feel enthusiastic about something, you will automatically make others feel enthusiastic. In order to get people to do what you want, you have the make them see what you see. Convey your message but speak in their language, one that will trigger action.
Six ways to make people like you
Become genuinely interested in other people
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”
The most beloved subject on everyone’s lips is themselves. And that is morning, noon and night.
Smile
A smile is a simple way to make a good first impression.
Smile sincerely and from your heart to make the other person feel special.
The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes once wears on one’s back.
A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Make it your goal to remember the names of the people you are talking about. Naming people is setting them apart from the rest of the world.
Be a good listener
Encourage others to talk about themselves.
To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Use the labels and mirroring tactics (“Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss)
Talk in terms of other people’s interests
What you want it’s not important. To make the other person do what you want, talk in “their language”, using their points of interest.
Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely
“Talk to people about themselves”, said Benjamin Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire, “and they will listen for hours”.
How to wind friends to your way of thinking
Avoid any argument
That is the best way to get the most out of any argument
Show respect for the other person’s opinion
Never say “you’re wrong”
Present your idea in a respectful manner as an alternative, not as a denial of the other’s ideas.
If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
It takes great courage to admit you’re wrong. The moment you know you are, don’t delay in admitting it.
Begin in a friendly way
Don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ.
Emphasize that you are both striving for the same end.
The only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
“Let the other party begin. It gives you the upper hand”, Chris Voss, “Never Split the Difference”.
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves.
Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business or problem than you do. So, ask questions.
Let them tell you a few things first
If you disagree with them, you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t! It is dangerous.
They won’t pay any attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So, listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it!
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus, they are able to reign over all the mountain streams” – Lao-tse, Chinese sage
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Put yourself in his place.
“Try tactical empathy” – Chris Voss, “Never Split the Difference”.
Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires
Dramatize your idea
Throwdown a challenge
Be a leader – how to change people without giving offense and arouse resentment
If you must find fault, begin with praise and honest appreciation
An effective way to correct other’s mistakes is: call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Avoid giving a direct order
Try asking questions instead to lead them towards the intended goal
Let the other person save face
Give people a fine reputation to live up to
It makes them eager to prove you right
Don’t make the fault bigger than it is!
Act as if it’s simple to correct.
If you strive for improvement
Use encouragement
Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest
Takeaways
As Chris Voss, former FBI agent explains in “Never Split the Difference”, it takes 62 repetitions to build a new neurological pathway.
This means “Consistency” is the key as Robert Cialdini explains.
Make a habit out of going back to it. Take your time! It’s not a race to reach the end, but a journey.
Even Dale Carnegie tells us he himself needs a reminder once in a while.
It’s up to you what you take from the book.
The manner of usage lies with you.
“Become bullet proof” one day at a time.
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How to make friends and influence people
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Pros
- The book is impossible to put down
- The audio version draws you in and hits the right key
- It teaches through real life account and stories of famous people
- It must be practiced regularly
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